This was extremely hard for me to write. But one of the biggest things holding me back has been the fact that I have no closure. This letter isn’t meant for anyone else but him. It’s what I wish I could say to his face even though I may never be able to. It isn’t going to be the closure I need to move on, but it’s better than nothing. So here it goes.
If I was writing this a month ago I would tell you that I hate you. I would be telling you that you’ve ruined everything. You ruined my senior year of college. You ruined my grad school applications. You ruined my eye. You ruined my ability to ever trust someone. I’d tell you how much I’ve been in a fog. How many times I wake up from having nightmares about you every morning before I leave the house and think about your crazed face all day. In class my head feels like it’s inside of giant grey cloud. Everyone around me is seperate from my little cloud. They’re all below it, where everything seems so much easier and so much brighter. But I’m constantly in this grey cloud. Some days it’s light grey and sometimes dark. It depends on the day. But I can’t help but feel trapped no matter how light grey the cloud is that day. I want to be down where everything else is but I feel physically trapped where I am. My mind is the center of it all. It’s a whirlwind of sadness and stress and fear. And in the center of it all is you.
“I wonder what jeffs doing right now.”
I step onto the streetcar.
“I wonder if he’s sorry.”
There’s nowhere to grab onto. I wish people would move over.
“I wonder if jeff is thinking about me.”
I get off the streetcar.
“I wonder if jeff is angry.”
I hate walking through crowds.
“What would have happened if I wouldn’t have gotten hit by him that night.”
I walk between student after student trying not to bump into anyone.
“I miss him singing musicals in the car.”
I hate passing by his old dorm. Brings back so many good memories.
” I miss him laughing at my jokes.”
That girls shorts are so short and it’s cold out how is she not freezing.
“I miss him holding me at night.”
I sit down at my desk and try to organize all of my pens.
“What if he never gets charged with anything??”
I need to pay attention today I NEED to do good in school. I can’t get distracted.
“Should I even be mad at him? Yea I should…he’s bad, terrible stop thinking about the good memories. Think about the bad. The bad times.”
For a second I remember that I’m in class and I need to focus. I try really hard to bring my mind back to the present. It’s so hard to get out of my little cloud filled of you.
You’ve ruined every day of my life since that night. I don’t even feel like a human being anymore. One of the worst parts is that I still don’t know what happened. I don’t know why you hit me and that haunts me everyday. I don’t remember what I said. I don’t remember what you said. I don’t remember you hitting me. But I do remember trying to protect you. Begging them not to arrest you. Begging them to not tell anyone. I tried to protect you. And I will never know why I got hit in the first place. My story is a blury, cold night filled with black holes of empty time. I have no last memory of you. I have no closure. I have no idea if you’re sorry or not. I don’t know what you did that night. I don’t know where you went. I don’t know what you were thinking the next morning. I will never know. And I will have to live with that following me for the rest of my life.
I won’t have answers. And that’s your fault. This is all your fault. It’s yours. Not mine. I can finally say that with a hundred percent confidence that it had nothing to do with me. I may have not been the perfect girlfriend all the time, but I was pretty damn special. I bought you food when you couldn’t afford to eat. I cooked you dinner even after I got home from school and work. I did your laundry. I drove you everywhere. I took you on a family trip. I bought you clothes because you told me how sad you were that you didn’t have enough money to buy anything new since high school. I wrote you letters. I did your homework. I read over your essays. I always gave you massages after you had a long week. I went to all of your dance shows, three times a week. I paid for so much of your stuff. I tried to get you help for your emotional problems. I tried so hard. I did so much for you. So so much. And look where I’ve ended up. Look at what you’ve done to me after everything I’ve done for you. How? How could you have done this? I’m still trying to understand but can’t seem to wrap my head around it.
Are you sorry? Are you sorry for telling me how much you loved me. Are you sorry for building up dreams inside my head about are future. Are you sorry for all the money I wasted on you. Are you sorry for how much I spent trying to make you happy. Are you sorry for how much pain you put me through? Do you even know what you’ve put me through? Or do you think you’ll get away with it? Do you think it’s my fault? Do you think you didn’t do anything wrong? Or do you know? I hope you know how much wrong you did. I hope you know just how much you’ve ruined me.
But I didn’t write this letter a month ago. I’m writing it now. And now I’ve worked through this. Now I feel human again.
Now this isn’t your fault. But I haven’t felt human in years. My anxiety has weighed me down for most of my life. The cloud above my head used to not be filled of you. But was filled with irrational worries and fears. I’ve done bad in school and stopped trying to make myself happy. I can’t remember the last time I haven’t felt like my head was inside this cloud. While I was convinced you had ruined my life I was scared to drive in the car because all I could think about was how easy it would be to crash it. How easy it would be to turn the steering wheel a bit too far and drive off the side of the road. I secretly hoped the car that almost hit me had hit me. How easy it would be to finish all of my pills at once. How easy it would be to not wake up in the morning. How nice it would be to get rid of all the thoughts of you that had ever existed. All the bad memories and the good memories would just be gone. But about two months after I was convinced you had sent me into my last downward spiral of my life, I finally got rid of that cloud.
Thanks to you almost ruining me for good, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I have never felt so alive. I wake up happy in the morning. I go to yoga by myself, for myself. Remember how we wanted to meditate and work on ourselves? Yea well I fucking did it without you. I take a bath every night and go to bed feeling happy and relaxed. I can actually fall asleep before 2am. I don’t stay up late at night worried to see your face in my dreams. I don’t go to bed panicking about school. My planner is organized for once in my life. I’ve been doing all of my homework and go to all of my classes. I actually wake up for class. I know what’s happening in class. I put my phone away and pay attention and enjoy it. I go to work and love it. I love working with my student. I care about those kids and it makes the hours fly by. I enjoy life more than I ever have before. I workout, I eat healthy. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt like I was out of my grey cloud and down on the ground where everyone else is. I feel like everyone else for once in my life. And you cause that.
Instead of thinking you ruined me I can say that you brought me out of my cloud. I’m finally fucking human again thanks to you. I feel normal again. I feel whole again. I feel happy again. I’m close to my friends again. I don’t want to sit in my room alone. I go out and make myself happy. I finally can focus on myself. I don’t focus on anyone else’s happiness as much as I now focus on mine. It’s about me. And I’m so glad I FINALLY realized this. And it’s because of you! So thank you jeff. Thank you for bringing me back down to my lowest point in my life because if I had never gone that low, I would never know how to pull myself out. Way out. Out of the darkest and worst parts of my entire life. Not just the areas you impacted, but my anxiety in general. I can finally say I feel human again and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve never been this happy. And it’s not a lie. It’s not a fake feeling. It’s real. So thank you jeff. Thank you for bringing me down to my lowest point. But thank you for teaching me what real love is and what love isnt. Thank you for teaching me that I need to love myself more than anyone else. Thank you for teaching me not to give too much to someone, because they can turn against you in two seconds. Thanks for always telling me that we’re going to change the world. Because now I know that I can change the world. Not you. Just me. You promised me we were going to change the world together. But now I’m going to do it Jeff. I’m going to impact people in ways you could never imagine. Look how far I’ve already come. Take that.
I forgive you for what you did to me. Because look at what it’s done to me. I’m finally me. So I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Not sure how many future endeavors will be possible for you, but I do wish you luck. I wish for you to find the happiness I’ve found. I wish for you to find help and peace. I hope you find someone in the future to love as much as I loved you. I hope you learn from this what love is, and how to love wholeheartedly. I hope that girl gets treated as a princes. I hope you think back to this point in your life and learn so much from it. You do deserve happiness. I wish that you find it. But you do need help before you find it. And I hope you can realize that you need that help. Please get it. For you too can change the world in your own way. But for now I’m going to focus on my own happiness and be glad that I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. And thank you for pulling me out of my cloud. I’ll forever be grateful for how much you’ve ruined me because without that, I wouldn’t finally be me again. So as much as you’ve thought you’ve brought me down, you can never bring me down again.
You maybe tried to bring me down. But I’ve never been higher. Sucks to know that, doesn’t it?
“She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.”